Epigenetics: What If Some of What You Carry Didn’t Start With You?

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do?

Why certain situations trigger a response that feels bigger than the moment? Why you seem to carry a fear, belief or pattern that you can't quite explain? We often look at our families and recognise what we've inherited physically.

“My eyes are just like Dad's.”

“I've got Nan's stubborn streak.”

“I have Mum's laugh.”

But what about the things we can't see? What about the way we respond to stress, relationships, uncertainty or fear? Could some of what shapes us have a story that began before we were born?

This is where epigenetics becomes a fascinating area to explore.

What is epigenetics?

Let's start with the basics.

You can think of your DNA as a set of instructions for your body. Epigenetics refers to biological mechanisms that can influence how those genes are expressed, without changing the underlying DNA sequence itself. Our experiences and environment can influence these processes. Factors such as stress, nutrition, ageing and environmental exposures have all been studied in relation to epigenetic changes. And this is where things get particularly interesting. Researchers are exploring how experiences such as significant stress and adversity may become biologically embedded, and whether some of these effects can influence subsequent generations.

But there's an important distinction to make.

Epigenetics does not mean that your grandparents' experiences are simply written into your DNA and passed directly to you.

The science is much more nuanced than that. Research in humans is ongoing, and it can be difficult to separate possible biological inheritance from the many other ways families influence one another through parenting, relationships, environment, behaviour, culture and circumstances. So when we talk about inherited trauma or generational patterns, it's important not to assume that every anxiety, health issue or emotional pattern comes from an ancestor. Instead, I see epigenetics as one fascinating lens through which we can become more curious about ourselves.

We inherit more than biology

Families pass things down in countless ways.

We pass down stories.

Beliefs.

Fears.

Ways of coping.

Ways of communicating.

Ideas about relationships.

Ideas about money.

Ideas about what it means to be successful, safe, worthy or loved.

And sometimes we pass down silence. Perhaps a parent or grandparent experienced war, poverty, displacement, loss, abuse or profound grief. Perhaps they learnt that emotions weren't safe to express. Perhaps survival meant becoming incredibly strong, staying quiet, being constantly alert or never asking for help. Their children may then grow up around those patterns without ever knowing where they originated. This is one of the reasons I find the conversation around epigenetics, trauma and family patterns so fascinating. It encourages us to look at the bigger picture.

Not just:

“What's wrong with me?”

But perhaps:

“What has shaped me?”

And:

“What have I learnt to carry?”

Could stress and trauma affect future generations?

This is an area where it's important to separate what we know from what we're still discovering. There is good evidence that significant stress and adversity can affect the body and can be associated with biological changes, including epigenetic changes. Researchers have also found evidence of transgenerational effects in animal studies.

In humans, however, the picture is considerably more complicated. Scientists are still investigating whether and how experiences can produce biological effects that persist across generations, and how these interact with family environment and social circumstances.

So when you hear someone say that “trauma is passed down through your genes,” it's worth being cautious. Your DNA sequence isn't being rewritten because your grandmother experienced trauma. And having a difficult family history does not mean you are destined to repeat it. There is no single gene for anxiety, grief, relationship difficulties or resilience. Human beings are wonderfully complex. And that complexity is exactly why this conversation is so interesting.

The work of Mark Wolynn and Gabor Maté

Authors and practitioners such as Mark Wolynn have brought the idea of inherited family trauma into the wider public conversation. In his book It Didn't Start With You, Wolynn explores the possibility that patterns of fear, anxiety and emotional distress can sometimes be connected to experiences within our family history.

Dr Gabor Maté has also written extensively about trauma, stress and the relationship between our emotional experiences, environment and physical wellbeing, including in his book The Myth of Normal. Their work has helped many people think differently about their personal stories. However, their perspectives should not be confused with scientific proof that specific traumas are biologically inherited through epigenetic mechanisms.

For me, the value is in exploring the question rather than assuming we already know the answer.

What if it's not “just you”?

This is something I sometimes explore with clients during my sessions. When appropriate, I may introduce ideas around epigenetics, family patterns, stress and inherited experiences as one possible way of looking at what someone is experiencing.

Not as a diagnosis. Not as an explanation for everything. And definitely not as a way of telling someone that their future has already been decided by their past. Instead, it's about curiosity.

Because sometimes changing the question can change the conversation.

Instead of:

“Why am I like this?”

we might ask:

“Where might I have learnt this?”

Or:

“Is this response still serving me?”

Or even:

“Could there be more to my story than what I have experienced personally?”

Quondam Selves: Exploring the stories we carry

Quondam is a word that means former, previous or once existing. I chose the name Quondam Selves because our story doesn't begin and end with who we are today.

There are the selves we have been. The child we once were. The person we became in order to cope. The roles we took on within our families. The beliefs we absorbed.

And, perhaps, the experiences and patterns that came before us and helped shape the person we are today. Quondam Selves is about exploring those layers.

It is about becoming curious about the parts of ourselves that may have been shaped by our experiences, our relationships, our family systems and the stories that have travelled through generations.

Sometimes we carry things without realising we are carrying them.

A fear. A belief. A way of responding. A role within the family. A feeling that we must always be strong. A need to please everyone. A tendency to put ourselves last. A sense that we have to stay in control.

These patterns can feel so familiar that we assume they are simply who we are.

But sometimes there is another question worth asking:

“When did I become this version of myself?”

And perhaps:

“Is this still the version of me I need to be?”

Exploring what you may have inherited and how I can help

This is where the subject of epigenetics becomes particularly relevant to my work.

Through Quondam Selves, I help clients explore the patterns, beliefs, emotional responses and behaviours that may have been shaped by their own experiences, their family environment and the generations that came before them.

Together, we can begin to explore questions such as:

• What patterns keep showing up in your life?

• Are there beliefs you hold that you've never really questioned?

• Are you repeating relationship, emotional or behavioural patterns that you've seen in your family?

• What experiences did your parents or grandparents live through?

• What was spoken about in your family, and what was left unspoken?

• What might you have learnt to carry in order to feel safe, accepted or loved?

• Which patterns still serve you, and which ones are you ready to change?

My role is to help you explore these patterns and make sense of what you discover.

We can look at your personal story alongside your family history and the experiences that may have shaped you. This isn't about assuming that everything you struggle with has been inherited, or telling you that a particular trauma has been passed down through your genes. It's about creating space to explore the possibilities.

Sometimes, simply recognising a pattern can be powerful.

You may begin to realise:

“This isn't who I am. This is something I've learnt.”

And that can create a completely different starting point for change.

How I can support you

Through Quondam Selves, I can help you to:

• Identify patterns that may be repeating in your life or family.

• Explore where those patterns may have come from and how they may have developed.

• Understand the beliefs and behaviours you may have learnt along the way.

• Recognise what belongs to your own story and what may have been shaped by your family environment.

• Bring awareness to patterns that may no longer be serving you.

• Explore new ways of responding, so that you have greater choice about what happens next.

• Develop a deeper understanding of yourself, with greater compassion rather than judgement.

The aim isn't to rewrite your family history. We can't change what happened before us. But we can explore how those experiences may have influenced us, and what we want to do with that understanding now.

You don't have to keep repeating something simply because it has been repeated before.

And you don't have to work it all out on your own. If this resonates with you, exploring your family patterns and what you may have inherited could be a meaningful place to begin.

This is the part of the work I offer through Quondam Selves.

Questions to reflect on

You don't need to know the answers.

Simply noticing what comes up can be valuable.

Ask yourself:

• Is there a fear or anxiety I carry that doesn't seem to have an obvious beginning in my own life?

• What did my parents or grandparents rarely, or never, talk about?

• Were there experiences in my family that were considered too painful to discuss?

• Are there patterns around relationships, money, self-worth or emotional expression that seem to repeat through generations?

• What did the people before me have to survive?

• What beliefs might they have developed in order to survive?

• Are those beliefs still useful to me today?

• What am I carrying that perhaps I don't need to carry anymore?

And then ask yourself something else.

What did my family pass down that I want to keep?

Because this conversation isn't only about trauma. It's easy to focus on what went wrong. But families also pass down extraordinary things.

Resilience. Creativity. Courage. Humour. Compassion. Resourcefulness. Adaptability. The ability to keep going when life is difficult. The capacity to love.

Perhaps there are qualities within you that were forged through generations of people finding ways to survive and thrive. You don't have to reject your family story in order to change it. You can honour where you've come from while deciding where you want to go next.

Awareness creates choice

Understanding family patterns isn't about blaming our parents or grandparents. Most people are working with the knowledge, resources and circumstances available to them. And it isn't about blaming ourselves either.

It's about awareness. Because when we begin to recognise a pattern, we can start to create a little space around it.

We can pause.

We can become curious.

We can ask whether the response we're having belongs to the present moment, or whether something older is being activated. And from that awareness, we may have more choice about what happens next.

Perhaps the questions become:

Does this still belong to me?

Is this helping me?

What would I like to do differently?

What do I want to pass forward?

What would you like to change?

Perhaps there is something you've been carrying for years that you've never quite understood. Perhaps you recognise a pattern in your relationships. Perhaps anxiety, fear, people-pleasing, perfectionism or the need to stay in control feels deeply ingrained. Perhaps you've always thought:

“That's just the way I am.”

But what if it isn't? What if it's something you've learnt? What if it's something you've adapted to? What if it's a pattern that has travelled through your family, whether through biology, environment, relationships, beliefs or behaviour?

And what if understanding it gives you a different choice?

This is the kind of exploration I offer through Quondam Selves.

Not to tell you who you are. Not to blame the generations before you. But to help you understand yourself more deeply, recognise the patterns that may be influencing you, and explore what you would like to do differently.

Because your past may be part of your story.

It doesn't have to write the rest of it.

You are not your family history

Your family history may have influenced you. Your experiences have shaped you. Your biology matters. Your environment matters. But none of these things, on their own, completely define who you are.

That is one of the reasons I find epigenetics such an interesting subject.

It invites us to think about the relationship between biology, environment, experience and behaviour, and reminds us that human beings are far more complex than a simple genetic blueprint.

There is still so much we don't know. And perhaps we don't need to have all the answers to begin asking better questions.

At Enerchi Vibes, I sometimes bring this perspective into my work with clients when it feels relevant to their individual journey. Not because I believe every difficulty has an ancestral explanation. But because sometimes exploring the wider story can help us see ourselves with greater understanding and compassion.

So I'll leave you with this:

What have you inherited?

What are you ready to understand?

And what are you ready to put down?

Your story is yours. But understanding where some of the threads may have come from can sometimes help you choose what you want to weave next.